Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Dear Microwaved Pizza Crust,
Next time, try a little harder; I think I still have three teeth and a filling left.
Love, Ophelia
Monday, March 8, 2010
Dear BK Manager,
Please don't try to convince me that I "didn't order onion rings" with my meal. I did. And do you know why I did? Because your fries suck! So put my onion-y goodness in the bag, and make sure you give me barbecue sauce instead of that "zesty" crap.
Love, Ophelia
Wednesday, March 16, 2010
Dear Spring Allergies,
It's so nice to see you coming back just as vigorous as last year! You didn't waste any time bringing on the itchy eyes, congestion, and general malaise that is my annual tax for sunny days and lovely temperatures. I fully respect that you're a mainstay in Louisiana and I certainly can't knock your hustle; I'll take my meds with a smile and carry around a pack of tissues in my purse if need be just to see some flowers bloom and wear short sleeves with shorts. But if you don't find a way to eliminate this extra-cherubic puffiness you bring to my already chunky cheeks, we're gonna have to fight!
Love, Ophelia
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Dear Small Purse,
I bought you because you were cute and much smaller than the giant satchel that I had been carrying around that was giving me shoulder pains. I told myself that, with a smaller purse, I'd be less inclined to carry things that I don't need, therefore saving myself a few trips to the chiropractor. Why, then, Small Purse, do you currently contain my wallet, car keys, house keys, work keys, another wallet, passport, change purse, 7 pens, one mechanical pencil, Now and Laters, a pack of gum, 1000 random receipts, a digital camera, my cell phone, two lip glosses, three chapsticks, Midol, a plastic fork, a spritzer, my retainer, a phone charger, a camera charger, nail polish, a pair of earrings (in case of a jewelry emergency, of course!), a hair elastic, last month's electric bill, portable tissues, business cards, and my lens cleaner?
And you STILL don't have everything I need! Sigh. We're doomed.
Love, Ophelia
Monday, March 22, 2010
Dear Day Off From Work,
It kind of rocks that you're a Monday. I mean, is it wrong that I get some sort of twisted pleasure from the fact that, while many will be lamenting the end of their weekend and punching alarm clocks on this glorious morning, I will still be nestled down deep in the covers, drooling all over a perfectly crumpled pillow?
Eh. I didn't think so either.
Love, Ophelia
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Dear Hours in the Day,
There are officially not enough of you. Go home and don't come back until you can bring a few more of your friends.
Love, Ophelia
